This Was One Hell of a ......

...... day.

I am exhausted.  Physically as well as emotionally.
I have been teetering on the edge all day long, and was pushed right over it a couple of times.

I managed to pull myself back up on that ledge, but I'll be glad to go to bed and hopefully get a good night's sleep (ha!) and start anew tomorrow.

I didn't sleep well last night.  Son #3 didn't get home until sometime around 2:00 a.m. or so.  I was asleep when he came home.
But then I was wide awake at 5:30, so that's what time my day started.
And it started off most crappily.

I won't go into the reason why, but emotions are running high around here at the thought of selling this house.
I know it doesn't matter when I sell it ...... the emotions will run high no matter when that occurs.  I know that I will be shedding many, many tears as the final day here approaches.  I'm already shedding tears at just the thought of that.
I know that I'm ready to sell it and to move forward.  This house that used to be a "home" has started to become something I resent.  It's too big, it's too much work, it's too expensive to keep up with, and it's too difficult to do all of the upkeep.
By myself.
So it's time to move forward.

But as I wrote on Widow's Voice, moving forward isn't as "black and white" as I'd like it to be.  Just because I'm ready doesn't mean that it won't be painful. Hell, it's already painful.    And that pain doesn't mean that I'm not ready.
That pain is a natural part of my moving forward.  And while I am most times ready for that, and sometimes happy and hopeful for it, I'm never ready for the pain that it brings.
Because sometimes ...... moving forward means leaving a part of me behind.
And worse, leaving a part of us.

Today was a teary day.

I'm not good at starting the day off very early in the morning, and very negatively.  No matter how I tried to turn the day around, it just kept going down hill.

I was so exhausted from tossing and turning all night long, and constantly looking at the clock, that becoming wide awake at 5:30 a.m. just seemed to set things into motion.

I had to call a plumber to come and replace a pipe under one of the bathroom sinks.  I didn't think it would be very expensive.
I was wrong.
$500 dollars later I have a new pipe and two new valves.
I think I should've at least had a free lunch thrown in there.

And then there's my refrigerator.
That would be the fridge that I bought 3 years ago when I had my kitchen remodeled.
Evidently it's quite a lemon.
A lemon whose warranty ran out after the first 12 months.
Kudos to you, General Electric.  I will never buy another product from you.

The ice maker has died.  Bit the bullet. Kicked the bucket. Keeled over.  Is no more.
Moved on to its final resting place.  Crossed the river Jordan.
Joined the choir eternal.
(what's that from?)

So I get to pay almost $500 for a new one.
Indeed.
And then there's the leak in said fridge.  A leak that the repairman had never seen happen with this type of fridge.  He's stumped.
Which means that when he comes back, hopefully Friday ... before I leave town on Saturday ... we'll get to take every single item out of that fridge.  Shelves and all.
So that he can try to find a leak that seems to be running down the back of it.  On the inside.
That involves removing paneling.  And trying to find the water line to see if it's clogged.  And pulling the fridge away from the wall (gag me with a spoon!).
And all of that will cost way more than I even want to think about.  All because it's not been done before.
I mean, he's worked on GE fridges before.  LOADS of them.  Especially after the first 12 months.
But this ...... this he has never seen, or never heard of.  Nor had anyone back in the office.
I can only imagine the ticket price they'll assign to this job.
I think I can buy a new one for less than this may cost.
So I'm going to look into that.

And it won't be by GE.
Or any of those other similarly built.
Because they all cut off the warranty after 12 months.

Except for LG, who, the repairman said, has really good warranties.

That would've been nice to know 3 years ago.

So I had 3 repairmen in my home working on 2 items that will cost me way more than I had anticipated.

And then, THEN ...... I was pretty much yelled at by someone who wasn't even calling for me.  But I was the mom, so I was the one to receive the full impact of his frustration with his job, his life, and the kids he works with.
Or at least that's what it felt like.
He apologized about 10 minutes after blasting me.
But it was too late.
The edge had been reached.
And breached.
And I fell right over it and cried all the way down.

It was just one of those days.
Not enough sleep.
Not enough kindness early in the morning.
Feeling taken advantage of by repairmen who seem to charge way, way too much.
Being the whipping post for a frustrated government worker.
And having very much to do before I leave Saturday to go to San Diego.
Camp Widow is right around the corner.  I have much to do beforehand.

Add that to the list above ...... and you get one very frustrated, completely overwhelmed, weepy woman who just wishes, for only a nano second because that's all she ever allows herself to wish this ......
that her "before" was still her "present".
And that she could open the door at 6:00 p.m. and welcome Jim home.  And then sit down with him, almost in his lap, and just cry while he holds her.
Just to be held while I cry everything out.

But that can't happen so it's best to wipe away those tears, stop wishing for something that will never be, and get back to the work of being in charge and prepared and ready.
And never, ever hurt.
There's no time to be hurt.

So I just plan to move forward.
Knowing that Jim is inside my heart, so I can't really leave him ... or part of us ... behind.

But it sure as hell feels that way.



P.S.  I also realize that the hardest part of all of this will be walking out of this house for the very last time.  But I know that I will feel nothing but relief the moment I walk into my next home.  A home for me.  A home for the next phase.  And for moving forward.