Note: any time you see the word "emote" on my blog you should immediately run away. If you have a Mac you should go to the top left corner and click on the X. If you own a PC you should exit from this page (is it the top right side? I can't remember).
Anyway, you have been warned. "Emote" = run away. Proceed at your own risk.
OK, here are some of the thoughts I've been thinking.
First, I can NOT believe that it's been almost a year now in my "after". A year. Twelve months. Three hundred and sixty five (six with Leap Year) days. A milestone. A marker. An anniversary. An incredibly horrible amount of time to commemorate an incredibly horrible day.
Incredible. Horrible.
I know it's only been almost 10 months, but 10 months is incredibly, horribly close to 12 months.
It seems that it's been only a moment in time. I blinked and now it's October. Ten months later. I need to stop blinking.
The next thought is about my "new normal". I know, in my head, that I have a new "normal". But my heart has been waiting for the old normal to show up. My heart has been waiting for things to get better. My heart has been wanting life to carry on in the "before" way.
And now my mind is telling my heart, "Face the facts. Life will never, ever again be "normal". This will never, ever get better. Your life will never, ever be the same and you won't feel the same. You now have to adjust to the new "after". And one day, the "after" will become "normal".
No matter how much I don't want that.
On a side note, many of you have asked about Son #2 and why I haven't posted anything for a while. I'd love to tell you that he's doing well and is now on the right track. I'd love to tell you that I had SO much faith that God answered my prayer and now he's doing great.
But alas, none of that is true.
He's about the same. Horrible. Unhappy. Accusing. Blaming. Emotional. Regretful. Fearful. Un-accepting. Un-compromsing;
Here's the next thought (if you haven't run away by now I'm giving you one last warning. It only gets worse):
I really, REALLY hate it when people say, "So-and-so was healed because your prayers worked." Or "God answers prayer". Or "If you have enough faith God will answer your prayer" or "So many people prayed for him/her that God healed him/her."
To all of those trite and incredibly naive statements I want to answer, "Really?!?!?!! Are you freakin' kidding me?!!". Why is it that some peoples' prayers "work" and some don't? Don't tell me it's the number of prayers because that has NOTHING to do with it. I know this from personal experience. And do NOT tell me that I did not have enough faith and so Jim died .... because that's EXACTLY what you say when you say that thing about having enough. I had nothing but faith. Nothing. I had no doubt .... none, zero, zilch .... that Jim would come through that surgery with flying colors. Not for one second.
I. Never. Doubted.
And look what happened.
If I learned anything through all of this it is this: God is not Santa Claus. Not even close.
We cannot give him a list of what we want or do not want and expect that He will grant our wants. Even if that want is for physical healing of someone. No matter how hard you pray. No matter how many people pray. No matter how much faith you have.
No matter.
Prayer is for you and you alone. Prayer is for you to get closer to God. Prayer is for you to learn to rely on God. Prayer is for you to turn to God. Prayer is for your relationship with God.
Prayer is not to get your wish list.
God knows what's going to happen and what's not going to happen. Who are we to think that we're so vital to His plan that we can change His mind? Don't get me wrong .... I know that He loves me. I know that He wants only good for me. But I also know that if I weren't here He would use someone else.
Cynical? Maybe. But then, all I have to go on is experience.
I love Him no less that I loved Him on December 17th, 2007. In fact, I love Him more. In spite.
He has been here. Even when I don't feel Him, He's here. He's carried me, he's wiped my tears, He's cried with me. He is here.
But he didn't allow Jim to live. In spite of the prayers.
In spite of .....
I'll never understand why and I'll never see the "good" in allowing him to die.
I can see Him using my "after" to help others. I can see Him using my "after" for good. But I can't see him letting Jim die so that I can see good. I cannot believe in that kind of god.
And I can't/don't believe in a god who says, "OK, you prayed hard enough for this person....I will let him live." Or "Hmmmm, it's too bad that you didn't pray hard enough, or get more people to pray. Now I'm not going to let him live."
The God I believe is is not an egocentric, punitive God. He is a God who loves me so much that He uses the horrible to do something good. He loves me so much that He continues to bless me. I may not see the blessings every day, but that doesn't mean they're not there. They are. Always.
So enough of what I believe and don't believe.
Here's what I know: I have met the most amazing people in my "after". The women who are on this path next to me are incredible. It's difficult to explain to the people who are not on this path. And I pray that you never have to get on it. But if you do, I hope that I can walk beside you. I hope that I can be just a fraction of the support that these women have been for me.
These are both women I've met and women I have yet to meet in person.
My Circle of friends is such a healing group of women. They get me. They support me. They listen to me without thinking I need serious psychological help. I can say anything I feel ... and they get it. I love being with them and miss them when we're don't get together.
And that goes for certain friends that I've "met", but haven't met. The women who share their walk with me by encouraging me with their comments. We've never met but we've connected.
They share their lives and their experiences on their blogs and with their comments. They are a blessing to me.
Neo, thank you so much for calling me tonight to just check on me. For being a concerned friend. For giving me your time. For caring.
I appreciate you. And can't wait to spend some time with you!!
And now it is after 11:30 at night and I can't keep my eyes 0pen.
Literally.
Have a good Thursday and thank you to those amazing women on this path who have commented.
Good night.
15 comments:
Good evening my darling daughter. I cry for you and your pain. I cry because I look at the picture of you and Jim together, and I hate so much that he is not here. That will never get better. It's so unfair....I know, who says life is fair....
But I love you so very much and want peace of mind for you...so very much. I'm glad you have met women that can help you on the path you've found yourself traveling. I'm greatful for any comfort you can find. I wish I had the capability of bringing you peace. I hate that there is nothing I can do to "make it better". But you have my love and prayers. Always.
Okay...get ready for a sappy post. I'm feeling mushy tonight:)
I love you...and while it may or may not change anything, I will keep asking God to give you the break that you so need, and to guide you through this terrible heartache. I'm so thankful that you have such wonderful friends who are there with you.
To them, "Thank you SO much for giving my sister your hearts and being there through everything."
I sure wish P would pull his head out and realize that this is a great opportunity for him. Stay strong, Sis...you're doing the right thing for him.
J, I think that when it comes to grief, time is just about the only thing that we can count on. It WILL go by, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. While your heart will never be the same, time will eventually lessen the ache. That in NO way implies that you will miss or love Jim less, it's just that the "new normal" becomes less painful to live with. Does that make sense? While I can't even begin to know the depths of pain that you have been through this past year, I have been through some pretty intense grief as well. In hindsight, time was my healer. At times, I never thought I would feel "normal" again. I don't even know when it came...it just happened over time. I have to have faith that it will one day happen for you. It's my hope and prayer that someday you will smile again without that heavy weight on your heart. In the meantime, we are all here loving you and keeping you close to our hearts.
Lis
This post blessed my heart and brought tears to my eyes.Your love and trust and belief in God shone through. You expressed yourself so well and I saw Him. I just wrote someone who was very depressed over everything that is going on in our country and world. I told her that I had learned that IF I sought Him just to be with Him and not for what He could do for me and for others that I was lifted up. He does what to answer us and we are to pray and pray specifically, but we are also just to desire to spend time with Him and learn of Him and praise Him for Who He is not, just for what we can get from Him. You stated that much better than I did. Time does go by too quickly and so quickly and sometimes it does that the older we get. You truly are an amazing woman. God bless you richly today beyond anything I could think or ask of Him. Son#2 will eventually have to come to grips with his choices, you know that, but I just wanted to try and encourage you some on that front. Blessings on your day.
WOW! Yep, that's all I got...WOW! I love you sis!
I couldn't agree more with your statement on prayer. Well said.
Dear J,
Two posts from me in a week?
You nailed it on how I feel about prayer. Sometimes I wonder if it is all a matter of perspective. The earthly things we pray for aren't necessarily important to God. Faith and having the strength to remain faithful until we die is all that matters. Prayer is the link we have with God to help us.
One of our kids is having a hard time in school (take a wild stab ,,, you got it). After an AARD meeting at school, I googled "child struggling with math" and found myself looking at several visual-spatial, right-brained, non-sequential learner websites. Many of them reference the book RIGHT- BRAINED CHILDREN IN A LEFT-BRAINED WORLD: UNLOCKING THE POTENTIAL OF YOUR ADD CHILD. So much of this book described G - big ideas but difficulty putting them on paper, shutting down under pressure, perfectionistic to the point of not trying in order to avoid failure, artistic, can remember details of places we have been that escape most people, super sensitive to noises, questions authority and the list goes on. I'm trying some of the stuff that the author suggests with SOME success (she's in second grade). Probably the best thing that has come out of it for me is that I understand her better and that has helped our relationship. I tend to freak out when she can't fit into the mold provided which puts more pressure on her and then she melts down right along with me. It made me much more optimistic about her future happiness (if she can just make it through school). The book points to the many strengths these kids have and how they will benefit from them as adults. Some of the things I read brought P to mind and I wanted to tell you about it.
Love,
A
Hello - have a hug. Wow, that was a powerful entry. I remember when I was getting to that one year 'after' point just the sheer enormity of it all would take my breath away, and you sounded a bit breathless in this entry :) Jim, I'm positive would be so, so, proud of everything you've done, all the decisions you've made, the friends you've made, everything, since he left. Our 'new normal' is just a blip, hold onto that, in God's big plan our moment on earth is just a blink of an eye. I feel so much for what you're going through - deep breath, one day at at time. As an aside - this helps me, maybe it will you too - I write to Ronnie - birthdays, anniversaries, high days and holidays and I keep them safe, and always will and somehow I believe Ronnie knows what is in those letters. I also keep a book of prayers that I write, there is something about writing a prayer down that makes me feel so close to God. Sleep tight. Lisa.
Amen sista!
XOXO
K in AK
I love you.I'm so glad you have these women in your life and they have you. I hate the reason why you have found each other- but I'm happy you have.
I agree with you about the prayer thing 100%.
Love you, K
J--I know it's kinda late to post a response to this, but there were a few things I just wanted to say. First, I TOTALLY agree on the God/santa claus thing. There's a spot they've been playing on the local christian radio since Ike that just about drives me to turn off this station that I love...a woman called in thanking the station for praying with her after ike because she was without electricity and had to postpone her wedding because of the storm. Then she says that day she was able to reschedule her wedding and her power was restored. she says, "I'm so glad God could answer my prayer." which absolutely makes me want to scream because it's as if, if he hadn't answered her prayer the way she wanted it's because he is unable to. Yikes. I'm so thankful that you get that God is able--don't know if it makes the fact that he didn't any easier, but you are not doubting God's power and ability, even if you don't understand the plan.
Second...I don't want to sound like I understand God...who can know the mind of God? not I. But I don't think it's any accident that your issues with son #2 are juxtaposed with this post...I think that the thing you have learned and understand are the same things that #2 has yet to learn. It's not because you don't love him that he is where he is, just as you are not without God's love either. Hang in there, J. Your love for him has his best as the ultimate goal. susan
You are so right about 'having enough faith' or 'praying enough'. That is a ridiculous comment from someone who does not know much about the way our God works.
I had a friend who died of cancer, and when she was terminally ill, she would say things like, "I trust God to heal me, I KNOW He will." I could never agree with her, because who knows what God will do? And in the end, she died. She should have said that God's will was best, and that He would heal her IF IT WAS HIS WILL.
J. I think you just added another chapter to Psalms. The new chapter Psalms 151. I am crying for your grief and also seeing almighty God in the way he is surgically healing you one breath/stitch at a time. May God surround you ever so tenderly with His loving arms and rock you to sleep on those sleepless nights. I continue to pray for your strength and happiness in even the tiniest moments.
wow, you go right ahead and "emote" any time you like!!!! thank you for spilling that all out. i am working through a lot of that myself...you're a little further ahead on the path but very, very similar--except maybe still a little more trusting of God than me, at this point. it was great to read. i've flagged in my reader to read again. blessings on you...
After visiting your blog since learning about it last spring, I've read every word. It just makes me think, every time, that I wish I were your friend; I know of you, and we knew Jim through the Y programs, but I'm not your friend. I'm envious and pleased for the women who are! What a blessing! And your thoughts on prayer are so valid and true. Thank you. And I also appreciate how good your English is! You spell well and use good grammar! God bless you, Anon
Dear Anon,
I wish I knew who you are so I could have a new friend.
:)
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