.... in this picture. Very, very lost.Not all of the time, but many times.
It's my favorite picture of Jim. I have a framed 8x10 in my bedroom; we have it in the family room, I have it on my computer.
But sometimes ..... like today, I get lost in it.
My plan when I sat down at my computer was to tell you all of the positive things that have happened to me since Jim's death. Because of his death, really. That was my plan.
The best laid plans ....
I sat down and looked at this picture. And the strong dam that I'd been trying to keep up for quite some time now (if you read &/or see me regularly you'd have to agree) began to crack. Ever so slightly, but once a dam cracks there's no stopping it.
I stared at his picture and then ran my fingers across it and told him how very much I miss him. And the dam fell.
I had to get in the shower so that I could cry --- I have found it to be the one safe place to cry.
I should've stayed in longer but I didn't want anyone having to check on me to see if I'd drowned or something.
So there you go. Just when I start to fool even myself into thinking I have it all together .... I get lost.
I am lost. And I am scared and so lonely without him. I am scared of the future and of it not containing him.
And please don't write about how God is here and I don't need to be scared. I know that ... I really do. But all I want to say to that right now is, "Blah, blah, blah.". Is that horrible? No, I think it's honest. And so very, very easy for so many people to say. So many married people.
OK, I have to stop crying now and blow my nose and leave my room. We're going out to see the new Will Smith movie. That will be good. It will be entertaining and reality will be suspended .... for about 90 minutes.
Wish I could find something that lasts longer.
17 comments:
Thanks for sharing . . . here is a virtual tissue . . .
I'm sorry. I love you.
It's a wonderful picture of Jim, I can see how you would get lost in it. I wish I were there to give you a hug, a million hugs. Love you, K.
I'm so sorry you're in such pain. I love you dearly. I pray for peace for you. I wish I could take at least some of your pain from you. I hope you enjoyed the movie. We will see you soon.
Mom
What a picture, what a man, what a woman who loves a man. Those feelings, Janine....they are so golden. It must be terribly hard, but I'm so glad you have had that love.....
:( I'm so sorry J. Sending you lots of love over the internet...
<3
Jeez, that blog makes ME wanna get drunk!! OK...we're coming there next summer and getting SLOSHED!! I know it won't help the situation but I feel it's something we must do!!
We're in Homer, AK right now (M1, K1, M2 & K2)and are going on a halibut charter in the AM. We bought derby tickets so wish us luck on catching the monster that will win it.
I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!! AND MISS YOU!!!
Little Bro
I miss you and love you and my heart aches for you.
That picture brings back so many memories to us too- although I am not sure that he was always smiling when he did it (but that was becuase of work!) When I see pictures that you post like that I think of all the great things that he did for me and for all those that I work with. When he had that look he was contemplating, thinking, trying to find the best way to say something that was basically "you did it wrong, dumb arse" in a way that was gently "did you think about this and that" that made you think - not feel like you just got beat with a stick. He always had a way with everyone - when he thought, then spoke, the whole room listened, and we took it all to heart. It made me and a lot of others start emulating him in this way -- think before you speak. In so many ways, I want to be exactly like him. Know that we miss him too. A lot.
- K
and of course, now I started crying just thinking about it!! I'm saying a little prayer for you and the kids right now!
Hey, to your Little Bro visiting Homer, Alaska . . . if he happens to run into Dave, Kari, Louden, or Jorden Greiner . . . say hi . . . Dave is a charter captain and his daughter Jorden is a deck hand on another boat . . . (this is my sister and her family)
I hope that no one has told you or given you the impression that you shouldn't let the dam break. As far as I understand, there is no such thing as a dam without cracks. All have their stress points. I would be more concerned if you didn't let the water flow. I also like to think that every tear shed is for a wonderful memory of Jim. My heart was breaking for you when I read this. You are covered in prayers.
Marilyn
You are allowed to mourn as long as you like! No guilt included! Love, Cindy T.
Hello - I came across your blog sort of accidentally - I'm mourning and looking for answers too. There were a couple of sites I found that brought back so many memories, including yours. Love and prayers for you and your family.
Hi Lisa,
I'm so sorry for your loss and pain and grief.
Come by any time.
Janine
Janine, I read the comment you made on my blog and then had to come and read yours. And of course this one really hit home. I, too, do my crying in the shower. And also have unexpected tears well up at (what else?) unexpected moments.
Yesterday was my birthday and I made sure that I woke up at the house of friends. So I only had a bit more of the empty house to endure after my drive home from the Hill Country yesterday. And then came several phone calls, so until 9 pm I had others to chat with. Not as bad, turning 60, as I thought it would be.
No-o-o... that would be TODAY. Co-workers treated me a bit special today (I had taken yesterday off), getting me a cake, card and helium balloons. And of course, reading this particular post got me welling up with tears. So nicely worded, and you captured my feelings so well, too.
Six kids - wow! I will have to read more of the earlier posts to see their ages, I guess. I do know that you definitely have more challenges than I face, and I (selfishly) thought I HAD a lot.
I, too, have just wanted to SHAKE those who dangle that "God is with you" stuff in front of me. I DO believe, and if I didn't have that to cling to, I would go insane. But it is so easy for them to say, and they sling it out there so piously. And feel so smug when they have delivered the line(s). Bah... walk a mile in my moccasins, I say.
Anyway, I will put you into my regular reading rotation. You reflect my good days/bad days routine, and it is comforting to read that I am not alone.
Thanks for sharing honestly about your struggles- I just found your blog today & am enjoying your perspective! It's neat how you mix in pictures of your husband that you're reminded of by the things you're doing each day.
Thank you Jessica. I hope that you're doing OK. It's nice to meet other people who "get it".
H Carrie,
Thanks for stopping by..... and leaving words of encouragement.
I appreciate them.
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