Or if I'll crash.
Or really .... if I'll actually, really take that step.
I joined eHarmony.
And now I feel so .... unsure about it.
I tried before. A couple of years ago. But I never made it past the first stage. Every time a "match" wanted to communicate, I backed off .... I closed the "match", which is a nice way of saying I didn't even let the guy get out of the box. I ended something that really wasn't "something" because it never stood a chance. Kind of like every guy I "dated" in college. Until I met Jim.
I wasn't ready.
I felt ready this time.
And then the "matches" started coming.
And now my stomach is lurching.
And I'm very, very teary.
I am so tired of feeling teary,
Of crying.
Of ..... missing someone that I can't have.
Of ..... wishing he were here so that I wouldn't be looking on a stupid computer for something I once had, and never thought I'd lose. At least .... not before the age of 90.
Life is full of .... surprises.
Sometimes too full.
I went to church tonight (we have worship services on Sundays and then the same service on the following Wednesday in the summer. It's nice to able to go on Wednesdays if you were out of town or .... maybe, slept in, on Sunday). We took prayer requests. One woman requested prayer for the family of a woman who has lived a long life and will soon leave this world. She was described as being ready to go, happy to be going where she knows she's going.
And I thought ..... "Yay for her."
Really.
I am happy for that woman.
And a bit .... jealous, I suppose.
I could also feel myself in her place .... being ready, and happy to be going.
Because that's how I feel now.
How I've felt since that horrible, horrible night.
No, I no longer want to rush and get there quickly by doing something to myself.
Nor do I wish for something final to happen to me, like say .... a bus slamming into me as I walk down a sidewalk.
I used to.
Oh, how I used to.
But so did every other widow in my Circle.
So I knew that I was not alone .... or crazy.
Only .... widowed.
Way too soon.
I'm not depressed to be here.
I am living and loving and finding joy.
Most of the time.
But I still feel that, when the time comes for me to leave this world and walk into the next one .... I will not be walking.
I will be flying.
And oh, so happy.
Beyond happy.
Joyful.
And really, I think that's great.
Because I don't just feel that way on "teary" days.
I feel it on good days.
Great days.
So back to where I rambled from .....
I feel teary.
Heck, I am teary.
I miss him.
Still.
Very much.
As ever.
Still.
And I'm sure my aching joints are not helping in any way, but are contributing to the teariness.
And the missing of him.
As is the search for someone new.
Someone nice.
Someone to spend a little time with.
Not a lot.
Just .... enough.
Someone to laugh with.
Someone to be with.
Someone to hold my hand.
But I guess the question is .... do I want that enough?
Or do I just sit and wait for Mr. Wonderful to just walk into my life all on his own?
Ummmmmm, that doesn't seem to be working, by the way.
So I decided to move forward .... to actually, make a move.
And now?
Now, I'm less sure.
But not so much that I'll quit.
Not yet.
I think, way down deep .... I want to at least open the box.
Happy Wednesday/Thursday, Peeps.
:)
4 comments:
Oh Janice, I know what you mean. I did Match.com for a month and stopped. Saw one fellow, but he had already found someone else, Was kinda bummed. My girl friend found a widower and introducted me. After first date, I came home and cried. It just felt like a life I had loved was ending and something new was beginning and I was not sure I was ready even after 5 years. After a little over a month this fella is smitten and I am still not so sure, even tho he is sweet, kind and treats me like a queen. Life can just get so complicated sometimes. Good luck in what ever direction you decide to go.
I just joined match.com and am not sure about the whole thing. I would love to just meet someone but having 3 kids at home makes going out and meeting people a tad difficult. I hope we both find what we are looking for!
Patti --- having been in that position, too (where I just wasn't sure), here's what I discovered: I stayed in that relationship because he was a good man, a good father and I didn't know what to expect for a second love. I had only loved Jim. But had loved him crazily and whole-heartedly, as he loved me. I read things and heard things that seemed to indicate that as we grow older, it's less of a crazy love and more about companionship. But I still wasn't sure. I still held back and kept wondering if I would be "settling" if I stayed in that relationship, where I did not feel madly in love, or loved madly. And then a friend who was also a widow and who also had been in a similar relationship offered me this thought: If we think that we can't have that same kind of crazy love again, then we are limiting God .... and what He can do in our lives. And that struck me .... very hard. And I agreed, and wondered why I hadn't thought of it before. I ended the relationship a few days later. So if you're not sure, or you're in doubt, or think you might be settling .... think again. And know that it's completely possible for God to provide you, and some lucky man, that kind of love again. And I know that I will settle for nothing less. Good luck, my friend.
:)
Good luck, Marie. Yes, it's difficult when you have kids at home. It's difficult under "normal" circumstances, to find a balance with kids and a relationship. I hope that you find someone that you can spend some time with. Someone who will hold your hand and encourage and support you. You deserve nothing less. Hang in there.
:)
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