This picture was taken Thanksgiving Day, 2006. I think it was the last whole family picture we took. That makes me sadder than I can say.
Well, we did not blow away. I hate to be the one who says, "I told you so." but ...... wait, who the heck am I kidding?!! I LOVE to be the one who says that!!! Ha to all of the panicking people out there!
We did absolutely nothing today. It rained all day and I stayed in my jammies until 4:00.
Yay for tropical storms that just peter out during the day.
Tonight I went to dinner with my new group of friends. There were 4 of us and next week there may be more. Four women who like each other's company and are all members of the same sucky club. We hate this club. We like each other very much.
R came, of course. This was our 3rd time together. S came with me, this was her first time. And then K came. She's brand new. To us and to this sucky club. Her husband died 3 weeks ago. She's 28. Twenty-freaking-eight. sigh
We talked a lot. We listened a lot. I am so glad we have found each other. We hate that we had to find each other but we're glad that we did. Hard to explain .... unless you're a member. I hope you never become a member.
I know this is getting redundant, but I miss Jim. It never goes away. It never gets better. My outside looks great, though. I bet there are quite a few people who look at me and think, "She seems to be doing pretty well." Well, that and about $20,000 (back in the 80's) would get you a BA in Theatre. As they used to say on SNL in the "old days", "ACTING!!!"
This is not to say that my life sucks. It does not. I have my children and they are healthy. They all love God and they are ALL great kids. I am so thankful that God loaned them to Jim and I. I hope we've mostly done Him proud.
I have a home (granted, it looks like it's been through parts of WWII, but it's a great home). I have wonderful family members --- lots of them, and they love me. I have lots of wonderful friends. Lots. More than one person should have, I think.
I had the most wonderful husband in the world .... for a long time. Not long enough, but it will have to do. He was not perfect .... not at all. But he was a good man. He was a great father and a wonderful husband. His love will last me for the rest of my life. It has to.
I have a God who is The God. He walks me through this valley..... sometimes He carries me.
So I am aware of the blessings in my life. There are more than I can list. But I am also aware of the gaping wound in me ..... the hole in my life. The wound that will never heal. Never. I may learn to bandage it better, to camouflage it with makeup, but it will never heal.
We all have our wounds.
Some have better bandages than others.
6 comments:
Love the photo. It is stunning how much your kids look exactly like you and exactly like Jim. Wonderful. Miss you.
You really do have a way with your words and feelings and how you express yourself with your blog. I have read many times people telling you how you should write a book, and I have always agreed but
tonight's post really touched me and I can't adequately express how deep. From the family photo to your final sentence. I have that same physical hurt in my chest as I read this and it's not your gaping wound but it is so profound and real. Jim was a great man, father, husband and friend! I am so honored and proud to have known him. I wish I could have spent alot more time with him and with you and Jim as a couple.
I am thanking God for your new friends and what you have to give to each other that no one else can give you.
Love you.
Nat, I couldn't have said it better. I totally agree with everything you said. I love you sis and just wish I was there to give you a great big hug. I miss you, and Jim!
Just wanted to let you know you inspired me to get a tattoo honoring my sister. Sunday will be 4 years that she passed away due to cancer. She was 16. I'll link back with a pic of the tattoo soon. I've started a blog too, but only have one post up. Again having to do with something you wrote. You have a way with words. Thank you for teaching me it's ok to think about the one we've lost everyday. Thank you for being so trasparent with your feelings and words, something that is hard for me. I always feel like people don't care or understand, but reading your blog helped me to see that writing is more about it helping us than it is others. Sorry this turned out super long. Just wanted to say thank you. :)
Silvana
van1523@cox.net
Silvana,
Thank you SO much for your kind words. I don't feel very inspiring -- I just tend to "vomit" my feelings onto the keyboard. I am so honored by everything you said and I can't wait to see your tattoo!!! Did it hurt very much? Mine sure did, but I'd do it all again!
Thank you again .... and now I'm off to visit YOUR blog!!
Janine
I think I have finally caught up with your blog. wow! i missed allot since leaving for WA. I love the way your thoughts transend to your written word. thank you for sharing so much of yourself. see you tomorrow, lor
Post a Comment